INCEPTION

OH GOD HOLY CRAP. Inception is straight up one of the best movies you can see this year. I've already seen it twice, and the special effects still blew me away the second time. I mean, antigravity? How the hell do you do that without any CGI, on Earth? Friggin' blows my mind, man. And seeing the movie the second time made the entire plot abundantly clear. It makes great sense. The first time through is like a first high on some crazy-ass Christopher Nolan brand drug where you have no idea what the hell is gonna happen, and they when you come down you shit your pants out of sheer amazement.

Seriously. It's Glourious. With a capital G. And the Tarantino spelling.

11/10. Go see it, by any means possible. I need to see it in IMAX and then I won't have to see any other movies ever again. Also, JGL is a total badass. I think I'm gonna go buy a three-piece suit. [Click on that image to see it huge.]

Cyrus

I wouldn't recommend spending money on Cyrus. It's a bit of a laugh if you know what John C. Reilly and Jonah Hill normally do, but otherwise it's just weird and sad. The movie doesn't really have a point; if it was meant to be a comedy, it fell short; if it was meant to be a romantic comedy, it fell short; if it was meant to be dramatic, it failed miserably. I mean, it's apparent that with Reilly and Hill on the cast that it should have been funny. But they add the awkward factor in such a strange way that it largely obscures the comedic portions.

Same with the romantic parts: Marissa Tomei is beautiful. Reilly is fugly. How did this entire movie even happen? Does Tomei's character have a hidden penchant for pathetic ugly dudes? I mean it would make sense if Jonah Hill's father was one. At the very least it would show where he gets it.

Jonah Hill is the definition of Fat as hell. Seriously. One of my friends described him as a balloon, which is entirely accurate given the fact that he has like, weird womanly stick legs under a two hundred pound upper body. It's weird and scary. It also brings a strange sense of comeuppance when John C. Reilly just straight up says "Listen up, you little weirdo."

So yeah, my short description would definitely be "pretty terrible." Not worth the time or the money.

Ondine

The scene opens to Squinty McGee, the ridiculous man that he is, and seemingly still in his character from "In Bruges", fishing. [Second link NSFW.] He catches a beautiful female humanoid (BFH) in his humanoid catching net, but unfortunately doesn't seem to catch any character believability along with her. He's just Colin Farrell with long hair. So she's rescued, we learn about Colin's past (his name's Syracuse, but whatever), and about how he's got a daughter on dialysis because she's got kidney failure of some sort, and how his ex-wife married an arsehole. So the BFH starts living in Colin's dead mother's old cabin-type-deal and the kid on dialysis does a bunch of research on Selkie, which she suspects BFH of being. Gorram kids, I'm tellin' ya.

So anyway. Selkie or not, the BFH goes with Colin on a Fantastic Fishing Excursion, the feature ride in Colin-land, singing all the while, which of course brings ole Colin there a massive haul. So she's a Selkie, and a bunch of legends come into effect due to a know-it-all ailing child-shaped plot device with nothing better to do except research old myths and read lines worse than this guy. Scary legend-related shit goes down, and we emerge during the credits sopping wet, disgruntled, and trying to figure out if it was worth the 111 minutes sitting in a dark room with strangers.

5/10. See it if it's free or you have nothing else to do.

Exit Through the Gift Shop

So. This French guy comes to the US. French guy starts filming everything. French guy films people tagging any wall big enough to see from the street on your boring-ass morning commute, and suddenly makes a living out of it. He's filmed every street artist he can find, traveled from coast to coast, and even done a few himself. So what's the intrigue? Finding someone who is deliberately keeping himself unfilmed. Banksy.

I mean, he completely fails to film him, but it's worth the journey I guess. Banksy does find him, and asks French dude to film some of his work in action, but the finished movie product, essentially what became of all of this guy's maniacal filming, is the film itself; it's a movie about a filmmaker who makes a movie about himself. Kind of weird.

It's really difficult to write a review of a documentary, mainly because almost all documentaries can be summed up in two or less sentences. Supersize Me is about this guy who wants to show how unhealthy McDonald's is by eating it for a month straight. Man on Wire is about a guy who wants to walk a tightrope between the World Trade Center towers. Doesn't make the movie uninteresting, it just makes it difficult to describe without just straight up showing the movie to you.

It's a blast though, definitely worth a watch.

Prince of Persia

How often have movies based on video games worked out? Let's see...

Pretty much never. Like nothing ever has been a good idea. Hitman is awesome, and anyone who knows me knows I love Resident Evil. But other than that, Prince of Persia was all around doomed so suck. Firstly: Jake Gyllenhaal has the most God-awful English accent. Secondly: why the hell does everyone have an English accent? This is ancient Persia. Thirdly: Doesn't anyone actually realize it's ancient Persia? Doesn't anyone on the entire staff know what historical accuracy is? If the games are better written than the movie, you know something's wrong. I went to go see it with a friend of mine

The tribulations of life are often forgotten during a good movie, but sometimes there's just no getting around bare facts. I'm starting to get frustrated with mundane life at home. I find myself wanting to just move to New York City and get an internship somewhere, while at the same time working for some independent movie theater to pay the bills. I don't know of anyone else who has random life-changing urges. Hopefully I can get through another year of college without any holdups and move down there for an extended period of time.

Robin Hood

So I watched Robin Hood last night. 3/10. One point for Russel Crowe, one point for Cate Blanchett (one of my most favorite actresses ever) and one point for trying. Almost a total waste of time, if I didn't have so much fun bashing the crap out of it with my dad. It's hilarious how inaccurate you can be with history (see also: things that have definitely already happened). I mean, just to give you a taste, the opening scene says "Turn of the 12th Century--1199". hmm... Turn of the century would have implied the beginning of the 12th century, or 1101. (Or in this case, 1099.) I won't get into the absolutely asinine things these supposed thirteenth century English people do that seem so out of place they're not even in good comedies set in modern times.

So anyway. On to a good movie. I mean, hell. Sweden, where have you been all my life? I watched Dead Snow while I was at school, and that was amazing. Now, I just watched Let the Right One In. This thing is just fantastic. I mean, I don't think I've ever seen a movie whose horror is at the same time completely out in the open and almost entirely obscured by subtlety. The movie gets progressively creepier, and you don't realize til the end how freaked out you are. It's riveting until it's over, at which point you want to run the f*ck away and surround yourself with cats and garlic.

I'll say it once, and I'll say it again. Twilight is a load of crap. Vampires don't glow in sunlight. They BURN. [Picture is directly from the aforementioned Swedish horrorgasm. It's what happens to a real vampire when it's exposed to total sunlight.] The main character of LtROI is a (two hundred year old) twelve year old who attacks and drains people when she gets too hungry. No ancient high elders led by a fifteen year old, no sparkling, no Volvos, no random idiotic flying through the woods. Just pure horrific bloodthirst, hampered only by the conditions of being a real vampire (doors, sunlight, etc.). Not to mention the 97% it has on Rotten Tomatoes. A complete must see if you're into the whole logical suspension of disbelief thing the young 'uns can't seem to grasp.

And then of course there's another Swedish movie out in theaters now, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This time around it's a 153 minute crime thriller with a hot goth chick in the lead. This girl is belligerent from start to finish, pausing only a few times for plot-developing research. If you've got the time, it's worth it.

Once upon a time, in Nazi occupied France...

Well, Inglourious Basterds was a great success. It was absolutely fantastic. Every single thing was dead on, from the uniforms, to the subtitles, to the Bear Jew's period baseball bat. There was not a single thing I didn't think was awesome.

Oh wait, I lied. BJ Novak is a tool. He looks like a completely incompetent loser next to Brad Pitt, whose fearless ego and demigod like status among the German army completely obliterate any chance BJ might have had to do anything even remotely useful.

But other than that unfortunate casting choice, the rest of the Basterds are perfect. You've got the crazy guy, the vengeful guy, the useful German speakers, and the little feisty ones. It's a perfectly rounded out crew.

A few reviews have said that it's too long, and that it drags out and so forth, but in my humble opinion, it's the perfect length. Sure, there's a lot of dialogue, but there's suspense and tons of plot development the whole time. The plot is so long that it's necessary to have two and a half hours to tell the story in. And it's totally worth it, by the way.

I don't really have a favorite scene, so many different ones come to mind. My favorite line though has to be Brad Pitt saying "Bon Giorno". You'll see why.

Ponyo!

I went to go see this movie with my sister yesterday, and it was fantastic. I mean, beyond the fantastic worlds that Miyazaki comes up with, the writing was great. There's great character development, great humor, stunning orchestral score, and an amazing cast. Liam Neeson, Cate Blanchett, Tina Fey, and many others make this an instant classic. Miyazaki has done it again! lol I should write reviews for Rolling Stone, I've got the prerequisite vocabulary already.

For when you guys go see it, I'll tell you my favorite scene: From when the well opens and all the golden fish come bursting out of the ocean, just let yourself go. Become immersed in the music, and just take it all in. It's the most amazing scene from a movie I've seen in a very, very long time. It's a truly fantastic movie.

And then you get to the end credits, with the younger siblings of some famous disney music stars singing the most counterproductive song they could come up with, as if the whole point of the end credits was to make everyone forget about how good the rest of the movie was. Don't stay for the credits, folks, or you'll leave with a rather disappointed look on your face.

Funny People

This "movie" was just painful.

It could have been some sort of passing of the baton from Adam Sandler to Seth Rogen, but it just sucked.

The problem was, it was trying to be too much of a comedy and too much of a drama. The standup was good, but it was always cut off just when it got on a roll. The movie would have been greatly improved if the dramatic story arc were largely incorporated into the standup. The dramatic parts were just sort of uncomfortable, and most of the funny parts weren't funny. The other problem was that Judd Apatow was trying too hard to mix the two genres, and they create this sort of weird... thing that doesn't resemble either. And tends to eat the part of your brain that makes you like movies.

(500) Days of Summer

The movie's great, Zooey's cute as hell, go see it. You might not think it's as perfect as I did but go see it nonetheless. I thought it was awesome, and I'll be seeing it at least once more.

The Hurt Locker

This is one of the craziest movies I have seen in a very long time. I mean, this thing is brutal.

The thing is though, it's all completely necessary. Yes, it's war. Yes, they are in Iraq. Nothing is over the top. It is exactly as in-the-shit as it needs to be, but that level of stark violence is absolutely essential to the film's main point.

The amazing thing is, at first glance it is of course a war movie. Below the surface, there is an incredible amount of character development. After the first ten minutes, you realize that you're practically in it with them, knuckles white with suspense and terror. There is no backing away; Katheryn Bigelow doesn't give you an ounce of slack. There is plenty of action, but calling it action doesn't nearly do it justice. The movie has a number of (necessary) brilliant combat scenes. They're not your typical chaotic battles. The camera follows around the main 3 or 4 troops as they search and destroy, which makes it controlled and logical. As far as I know, Bigelow typically does this in her films, so that her action scenes are coherent and followable. It's an incredible technique, and it makes it an absolutely amazing film.

Bruno

The time has come, my friends. I went to see Brüno. Now, let me start with saying that I absolutely can't stand Borat. I thought it was the most vulgar, inappropriate piece of junk I'd ever seen.

That being said, I laughed so hard at Brüno that I cried. It was just so incredibly out there. He probably could have gotten himself killed like 5 separate times, but damn. It's one hell of a movie. Now, don't get me wrong, I probably won't see it again, but hey. It was hilarious.

As far as the German goes, I'm impressed he learned how to pronounce most of it, though his grammar was off a lot, leading me to believe he just put the script through an online translator. My favorite though was him saying "Think outside the Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung", think outside the speed limit. On the other hand, on several occasions he calls his butthole his "Auschwitz", which I find downright inappropriate. I know people who like Borat but didn't like Brüno, but I'm the other way around. Meh, so it goes.

Ultraviolet

So, I just finished watching this movie a little while ago called Ultraviolet. The premise is pretty much that there was some disease that changed people into vampires (or hemophages, as they're called in... wherever) and the humans and the hemophages are in a civil war. And there's this kid who has something in his blood to wipe out either the hemophages or the humans. The people in the movie don't exactly make it clear, so who knows. Basically, it's Milla "two guns" Jovovich killing everything in sight like she always does when a virus breaks out.

This movie was horrendous. It was just... terrible. Oh my god.

Anyway, I think it's based on a comic book, I'm not too sure. But anyway, either her clothes change color when she wants or they're mood ring clothes. I think it's the latter, but again, the movie's not real clear about much of anything. The whole thing looks like a comic book. The movie graphics would make an awesome video game, but when I looked it up, the game that actually exists is shit too. Oh well. Oh, and in the movie, her guns have knives in them. Yes. Knives.

Really the only appeal I can see from this movie is the fact that part of the rating (PG-13) is partial nudity. You see on the poster, the part between her ribs and her belt? Yeah, that's the partial nudity. In other words, if you decide to see this hunk of fail, see it for her, because she always looks hot being a badass.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

So I figure most people have seen this movie by now, but I just saw it again and it's worth writing about.

They successfully wrote it in such a way that you don't have to have read the books to understand it (even though I have). The cast was what really blew me away though. The last time I saw it there was no way I would have recognized all the people. I'm including lists of movies these people have been in just because that's what amazed me so much.

Ford Prefect is played by Mos Def, one of my favorite actors. He of course we all know from The Italian Job, that crazy episode of house, 16 Blocks, Be Kind Rewind, etc.

Zaphod Beeblebrox is, much to my surprise, Sam Rockwell, the guy on the moon in the movie Moon, which I posted about a little while. He's also in Frost/Nixon, Matchstick Men, The Green Mile, Galaxy Quest, etc.

Trillian, aka Trisha, is Zooey Deschanel, who I would have a celebrity crush on if I didn't already have one on on Ellen Page. She's in the upcoming movie (500) Days of Summer, which I desperately want to see. It looks fantastic.

The other notables are:
Warwick Davis as Marvin, who is Professor Flitwick from all the Harry Potters, as well as Willow in the movie of the same name. He's also in Labyrinth, in Star Wars VI as Wicket the Ewok, and in Time Bandits, one of my favorite movies.

Alan Rickman as the voice of Marvin, who of course everyone knows as Snape, and who is also in countless other things, notably (and most relevant to our generation) Sweeny Todd as Judge Turpin and Die Hard as Hans Gruber.

Bill Nighy as Slartibartfast, also in countless other things, including Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3 as Davy Jones.

John Malkovich. Nuff' said.

In conclusion, if you haven't seen this movie in a while, you should go see it again. It's definitely worth a second time, and still just as funny.


In other news, I just got back from Canada (The MacKenzie Brothers was an amazing show, btw) last night, and frankly, it's really easy to get stuff through the border. You get there and find a bunch of like state troopers or something with their sunglasses on their heads just kind of ushering people through like we're inconveniencing thing by making them do their jobs. The questions: "Where do you live?" "Albany." "How long were you in Canada?" "For the weekend." "What did you do there?" "Saw Montréal." "Are you bringing anything back, any alcohol?" "No." "Thanks, you're all set." Just like that. We left all our luggage on the bus. I could have had a camelback full of gin back on that bus, and he still wouldn't have known. It bothers me that pretty much anyone with an American passport can just answer the questions correctly and get through with anything.

Double Feature

So after seeing both of these, I have pretty much the same impression: Go see it, they're worth it.

Harry Potter was visually the best one so far. Of course with there being a limit to how long one can actually sit and watch a 652 page book, a few things were hacked out, but the story line was still more than adequate for those who hadn't read the book. Not fantastic, but pretty darn good.

Moon, on the other hand, was fantastic. A sci-fi psychological thriller about a guy (Sam Rockwell) who works on a lunar base harvesting nuclear power. Needless to say, he goes crazy, because, well really, who wouldn't after three years on the moon by yourself. It's hard to really say anything else without ruining it, so I'll just leave it at that. It was amazing. Brilliant, even. The whole effect is lost if you don't see it in theaters, so go see it as soon as you can.

I'll throw in one for free: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Pretty sweet if you liked the first one. Though, I'm a sucker for special effects, so that might've had something to do with it...

Public Enemies

So I saw Public Enemies the other day. It's the story of John Dillinger, who for those of you who don't know (I didn't before I saw the movie), was the FBI's "Public Enemy No. 1" during the 1930's. The story simply follows the antics, so to speak, of Dillinger (played by a dashing Johnny Depp) and his crew, from heists to car chases to where he holes up for the night. Special Agent Melvin Purvis (played by an unemotional Christian Bale) is after the Public Enemies list, and it ends up as somewhat of a cat-and-mouse scenario.

Now, if or when you see this, you should keep in mind that the movie is based on real life events; that is to say, if you don't recreate those events, the movie won't be accurate. Considering this, it seems almost like the writers had simply heard of him and said "screw this, we know enough without our research." If anyone were to actually look up anything AT ALL about Dillinger, they would find the movie to be severely lacking. Simple facts of Dillinger's life are essentially wrong.

As a movie, disregarding the history, no matter how wrong it is, it was decent. True, there was no character development whatsoever, and true, the movie is alternately speeding by and lethargic, but at least it looks good while it fails. The costumes are spectacular, the props are accurate, and the accents are effortless. It's fun to watch, at the very least. I was entertained during the movie, but when I found out how wrong it was, and for no reason at all, I was slightly less elated.

So, as I will sometimes recommend, you'll have to see it yourself to decide.

I feel obliged to add a metaphor: I got the poster, just because it looks cool.

There's a First Time for Everything

So everybody has a blog these days. There's no reason I shouldn't start one, I don't have much else to do.


As an introduction, I should warn people that there will be profanity, even though nobody really cares that much anymore. "Loot and XP" are the only things any D&D player cares about. So, I figured I'll write about the things I care about. Events, movies, parties, etc., but not people. Not that I don't like people; but what I would write about wouldn't be relevant to anyone really.

As most of you know, I work at the Spectrum Theater, so I'll be writing reviews and recommendations of movies I've seen there. I'll also be writing about totally random crap, whenever I feel like venting or inflicting my totally nerdy behavior on everyone. I'll try and post movie reviews as soon as I see them. Speaking of which, Harry Potter 6 comes out tonight at 12:01, and I'm bringing a huge group of people. Review will of course come tomorrow, even though it's one of those movies everyone should see themselves.

May the Force be with you.